okay, so here’s the deal: Maybe you have noticed that I haven’t been blogging a lot recently. There are reasons for that. December was kind of brutal for me emotionally as perhaps was to be expected. First birthday without my mother, first Christmas without my mother. And things started sliding sideways then rapidly downhill with my dad and his health. I’m hoping that things are on the upswing again, but the reality is my brother and I are having to confront some very hard realities and it’s not an easy thing to do in the wake of our mother’s death.
I’m dealing with loss on an hourly basis, trying to keep my wounds sewn up, keep myself whole, keep myself together. The threads binding me together at the moment are tenuous, easily tugged out, easily dissolved with tears. I soldier on. I keep working to mend the split seams, keep weaving that needle in and out, and I will keep doing it as long as I have to because I promised my mother I would not let this wreck me, that I would move forward, that I would live fully. But it’s hard work. It’s exhausting. There are lovely gracious people in my life who thread the needle for me sometimes, who patch me up when they can, as gently as they can, and I am so grateful for them and don’t tell them how much I appreciate it nearly enough. Ultimately, though, I’m the only one who can repair my gutted middles, heal my hurts.
But the thing is, my life, my woe, is not really something I want to share here. Recounting every stitch is not helpful to me right now. I don’t want to become all about my pain. That’s not really my nature. I’m a bit of a Pollyanna at heart. I’m the glass half full type, an optimist albeit a sort of left-handed optimist. At least I used to be. At least that’s how I remember myself. And I liked that about myself. I don’t want to become the antithesis of that. There is so much sad in the world already, so much sorrow.
And so I avoid this space when I’m coming all undone, unravelled. I avoid this space when I am in the process of trying to knit myself whole again. And on those occasions when I feel sufficiently patched up enough to move a little bit forward, to make some headway, I do just that… and only that. And again, this page lays untouched.
And yet I’m not willing to let it go right now. I’m not willing to shut down shop, turn out the lights. In a way this site keeps me in touch with my better self, the self I strive to be. It is my window on the world, the chink of light which falls to reveal that I have not disappeared all together, I have not evaporated into nothing. Not yet, anyway.
So I’ve been in a mild dither about what to do with it. What can I do that says in a friendly way I’m still here, I’m still trying, I’m still breathing in and out every day, I’m still sewing, I’m still hoping… and yet doesn’t tax my sore brain, my strained seams, my flagging energy?
I’ve decided to give this a go: I’m not going to try to write in a personal way any more. For the time being at least. I’m not going to attempt to journal what is going on with me, where I’m at. Instead, I’m going to post here the little things that make me feel a tiny bit better, prop them up here like a bright pot of flowers on my windowsill. And hope that that is enough to encourage the sun to seek me out sometimes.